Organic Runner Mom

Major Depression.

This really resonated with me . . .

This really resonated with me . . .

I have debated whether to write about this or not but after much consideration I’ve decided to share some pieces of my story in hopes that maybe I might help someone else. If you follow my blog you know that in the past I have suffered from depression and post partum depression. I have also struggled with PTSD after the Boston Marathon in 2013. Well, this January everything spun out of control with my depression and I couldn’t manage it on my own anymore. I couldn’t fake being ok anymore. The hard part of depression is that it can get really bad without you realizing how far in you are.  I was spinning and spun into a dark hole that I could not get out of. Depression is a funny thing because it doesn’t care who you are and it can happen to anyone at anytime even when it seems like you have so much good in your life. For me the darkness of depression became too much to bear and I ended up in the hospital. Looking back on that time its funny because much of it is a fog and I cannot tell you how many days I spent in the hospital with all of the other people who were struggling just like me. All I know is that I needed to be there even though it was tremendously difficult to be away from my family.

While I was in the hospital I received therapy from two different Lisa’s. One was the nice Lisa and the other one was the tough Lisa who is basically there to give you a huge kick in the ass to help you get your shit together (pardon my French). This intensive therapy gave me many new tools to look at my life and how I approach everything. It was also decided while I was in the hospital that I was a good candidate for ECT or Electroconvulsive Therapy. ECT involves sending electrical current through the brain, deliberately triggering a seizure. This seizure can provide quick relief to severely depressed individuals and works well when medications are not. Over the past several months I have had 11-12 ECT treatments. I can’t tell you the exact number because ECT does cause retrograde amnesia causing you to forget some life events. I have definitely struggled somewhat with this symptom but this will hopefully improve as time goes on. This treatment was done in the hospital under anesthesia. Now that I am finished these treatments I may need to go back at some point for treatments as maintenance but for now I am finished which I am happy about because the treatments aren’t much fun and it takes about a day to recover from the ECT and the effects of the anesthesia which include headaches, jaw pain and general confusion.

Another piece of my treatment has been working on finding a new medication to treat my depression.  I have tried many different things over the years and had come to a point where nothing was really working.  I have tried Prozac, Zoloft, and Celexa to name a few. I was at a point where I was stuck in a low that I just could not get out of. Every day was hard. I was so tired all the time and jus wanted to be in bed sleeping. That was no way to live. So I began working with a new doctor who decided to try something new-Trintellix. So new that there is no generic which doesn’t make the health insurance companies happy but oh well. Thankfully this new medication is a win. With the combination of the ECT’s and the new meds I am feeling better than I have in so many years. I am sleeping well, waking up early, and ready to start my day. My outlook is sunny. While I still have some lows (don’t we all) I am feeling optimistic about my days going forward.

During these tumultuous months I took a break from the blog. There was just too much happening and writing and sharing about running and fitness just didn’t really appeal to me but now I am back and hope to start sharing some new fun stories, reviews and more with you. And, maybe my story has helped you or someone that you know.

I hope you will share what I had to tell you today. It has taken me some courage to put these words down on the page.

Be well friends!


53 responses

53 responses

  1. Hey, I would just like to welcome you to this side of the wordpress community. It is really brave of you to talk about a stigmatized subject so openly. I try and help people as well and your story is one that could inspire people reading this. If you ever do feel like you are struggling again, you can contact me anytime that suits you. Stay blessed -KoS

    1. Thank you so much Arjun. We must share in order to release the things that are hurting us and I know that I can help many with my words. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for sharing your kind thoughts.

    1. I know, I wish we were closer. We would do so much together and I know what an awesome support your would be. We need to somehow make a visit happen! Maybe I can sneak away to DC. I miss you sweet friend and value so much your taking the time to read this. Much love to you!

  2. Sandra, You are a brave woman to open up and write openly to us. May your recovery continue, be well.

    1. Thank you so much Dave. It was hard to get started in writing this but once I got going it felt very freeing. I hope I can help others who need it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to reach out.

  3. Thank you so much for writing this. It came at such a crucial time in my life. I’m so glad you are feeling better. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and ptsd for very different reasons. It’s definitely a struggle. I Want to you to know you have helped at least one person and that is me.

  4. I understand so much of this, though I have been lucky enough to not have to resort to so many of these methods. Depression doesn’t care how “good” life is; it takes what it wants. I am so happy to hear you are feeling better!

    1. It is so true that depression can hurt anyone at any time. I am so happy your depression has never gotten this bad. Please reach out if you ever need to. We are all here for each other. Much love to you!

  5. I was worried about you and I’m so glad you are sharing this here, although I cannot imagine the courage it took to put this out here. I hope you continue to find success with your medication and that you write more about your journey here, as we can all benefit from your experiences! You know I love you and I’m just happy to know you seem to be on the other side of this.

    1. I know I had many people worried. Today felt like the right time to release this and I feel much lighter in doing so. It is definitely all part of the process. I am so grateful for so many awesome friends like you who have reached out with love. Sending much love back to you.

  6. Thank you for sharing. Many of us have traveled
    through dark times. Honesty and being true to yourself
    will get you a long way. Here is to your journey!

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. As hard as it was to share I know that it can be truly helpful to others. Thank you so much for reaching out and sending love back your way.

  7. Sandra, you are so brave to share all of this. It is a gift to hear your words. So often, we are shown only the sunny, happy, perfect side of life on the internet. So much that we start to think that no one else goes through trouble or has down times in life. I, too have struggled with post-partum depression, depression and anxiety. It comes and goes and sometimes I have trouble admitting to myself that it is a true problem. Thank you for reminding me to share. I think your post will reach a lot of people on a deep emotional level. Thank you.

    1. Thank you so much Lila, sharing can be such a release and I know there are so many others like me who have and are dealing with the same things. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need to. Sending you so much love.

  8. Oh wow, Sandra! I had no idea you were dealing with all that this winter… I really appreciate your willingness to be real and share the journey. Life is tough and we all struggle. Glad to hear you are on the other side and I hope you continue to figure out what works best for you.

  9. Thank you for sharing your story, Sandra. I am so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this. Sending my love and support. I really enjoy your blog and I am inspired by your strength, bravery and candor.

  10. Wow, Sandra. Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry that you are going through this. .I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. I do find a lot of relief with running and fitness (and medication). I hope that you’ll find comfort in your miles again and know that there are a lot of us pulling for you. <3

  11. Hey I wish I could give you a BIG HUG! I completely understand and good for you for taking good care of yourself and knowing when treatment is needed. Thank you for being brave and sharing this with us today. I appreciate it and I know so many more do too.

  12. Sandra,

    You are a brave, strong, and full of life woman. I’m so happy you were able to get the help that will give you the tools to your health and overall well being. I feel personally feel fortunate to have spent amazing days together last fall and want you to know your willingness to speak up about your struggles is so courageous and honorable. I hope we can connect in the near future, but until then I want you to know that I think of you often and you continue to inspire many people.

  13. Thank you for being open and honest and real. I appreciate it on so many levels. It’s hard to open up this side of our lives. I am deeply sorry you are going through this and have been struggling for so long. Much love go you.

  14. Hi Sandra. You are a role model in so many ways. My Father had ECT, and resumed being a wonderful creative person for the rest of his life. Free Range hens through the world are with you on this.

  15. Sending hugs. I am glad that you have found some treatment, but I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thank you for your openness in sharing!

  16. Sandra, I will keep you in my prayers and hope that things continue to look up for you with this new medication. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it took a lot of courage to put this out to the world. I know that you will impact so many suffering, as well. Much love to you!

  17. Thank you for sharing. I have really missed your blog posts. You are my favourite running blogger!
    I am so sorry you have had to go through this, as I know how hard it must have been for you to be away from your family. I hope that as spring arrives, you will keep feeling better.

  18. Oh, Sandra, thanks for sharing. I know it’s not easy to open up. I’m so glad you got treatment and your new meds are working. Two very close family members have been struggling with major depressive disorder and it is so hard.

  19. It takes a lot of bravery to expose your heart. Thank you for a beautiful post. I hope your treatments are going well and I look forward to more posts from you!

  20. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your willingness to be honest and open is refreshing. Your story and struggles bring hope to others who may be facing depression now. May your recovery continue going well!

  21. Just found your blog. Drawn here by the key word, “depression”, as I have been a fellow sufferer for a few years now. Struggling mightily with finding the correct concoction of meds that will work for me. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know we are not alone. Good luck to you!

  22. Sandra, thank you for sharing. Thank you for posting this on FB. So hard to put these things into writing. I admire your strength & courage. You’re incredible. You’ve Freaking got this.

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