Organic Runner Mom

Run Green. Eat Clean. Laugh Strong.

Hello. It’s Me.

Hello. It's me.

Hello. It’s me.

Hello 2019.

It’s a new year and I am so thankful. I am so ready to kick 2018 to the curb. It’s been almost one year since I spent 12 days recovering from a severe depressive episode in the hospital. I am not ashamed to talk about it. It’s a part of my life story. It deserves to be recognized and talked about because maybe I can help some of you out there who read my blog. I needed help desperately last year. I had spiraled out of control into the deepest darkest place where no one wants to go. Questioning my self worth and struggling to see the good in anything. Getting help was one of the toughest things that I had ever done but one thing that I am most thankful for. Depression sucks. Depression causes your thinking to lie to you. Depression turns truths inside out. Depression steals the good moments away from you and fills you with worries and anxieties and darkness. Depression pushes away those close to you. It causes you to want to isolate. It’s a place no one wants to be. A place that it can be hard to see the way out of. It can be totally debilitating. Convincing you that you cannot do anything and that you cannot do anything right.

Does this sound familiar to any of you? Well, you know what?  You are not alone. I am here with you and together we can get through this and bring each other along in the search for brightness and light in life. Some days I feel like I am just barely glued together but somehow I am able to pull through and move forward.

I am taking action. I am so done with feeling this way. I want to take steps to find the positivity in each day. I want to be the old me. I want to see joy. I want to laugh. I want to dance. I want to run. I want to inspire. I want to be here for my small and wonderful family.

So what am I doing now to keep on trucking on?

I am going to be more gentle with myself. I must allow myself to feel the pain and the sadness. It is ok to cry and it is ok to tell my kids, my friends and my family why I am sad. There is no use in stuffing those feelings away. All that does is cause them to fester and to bring more pain.

I am in therapy. Talking with someone about the range of emotions that happen can be helpful in sorting things out and also in recognizing that what you are telling yourself is not necessarily the truth. My therapist is helping me develop strategies for turning around my thinking.

I am working on changing my internal script from one that is negative to one that is positive. I often tell myself that I am not good enough or that I “can’t do it.” The perfectionist in me always wins. I don’t want her to win anymore. I am not perfect. We all have things to work on and that does not mean that we are bad people or not good enough. My therapist has suggested journaling, keeping a log of whenever the negative thoughts creep in and take over to begin to recognize that these are lies. I need to learn to replace this script with thoughts of positivity and “I can do this.”

I am surrounding myself with positive people and working on making new connections. Last year we moved to Hanover, NH leaving behind the community that I had been a part of for 18 years. While we are only an hour away from where we were it has required building a new circle of friends. I want more connections and friends in my new community. I am trying to reach out to old friends and new and to make plans to get out and do things. It can be hard to get out of the comfort of your home when all you want to do is curl up and stay home alone.

I am a work in progress.

Remember, you are not alone in this. There are so many people around you who support and love you.

How do you cope with depression? What do you do to turn around a negative internal monologue?

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34 responses

34 responses

  1. I was reading Deena Kastor’s book and she focuses (thanks to her coach) and being more positive and always look at the positive about everything…it changed her life and her running.

    Makes sense though not easy.

  2. I know it couldn’t have been easy to share this so thank you for being so open. I am glad that you are working with a therapist. It’s so important to have someone that can listen and act as a sounding board.

    It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to deal with your depression in a healthy way. I wish you the very best this year!

  3. It is so brave of you to share your story. I am so sorry to hear that you were struggling so much last year but also happy to ready that you are in a much better place now. I hope your story continues to flow in a positive direction for you

  4. It takes so much grit and strength to recognize when things aren’t “right.” It’s easy to ignore and make excuses, but you are paving the way for so many others by your example. I’m glad things are turning around for you!!!! Please keep all of us in the loop, and don’t be afraid of reaching out if you need anything. ((hugs))

  5. I’m so glad you’re getting help for this. Depression is a beast! I use exercise to help me, I try to be gentle with myself on days that are hard. And I treat myself when I need a little pick me up. Surrounding yourself with people who love you and who are cheering you on is so smart and good for anyone. Finding those people can seem tricky but once you do, you know you have a great friend for life.

  6. I’m so sorry 2018 was rough for you. I’m glad you reached out and got help and are journaling your thoughts. Shedding light on those dark places makes all the difference. Here’s to 2019 being so much better!

  7. So many hugs to you. I am so proud of you for identifying there was an issue that needed rectifying and then taking the steps to make that happen.

    I struggle with anxiety, and sometimes, it’s really overwhelming to talk myself through the situations that trigger those feelings.

    You are good enough. You are worthy. You’ve got this. Reach out at anytime if you need to be reminded 🙂

  8. I so appreciate your candidness with your depression. As someone who has struggled with depression most of her life, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. The hardest part of depression is that you think you have a grip on it, you’ve got it, and then boom! it’s back again. I hope you’re finding tools to help deal with it. I feel like it’s always a work in progress.

    1. We are not alone. Together we can walk through the darkness and help to lead each other out. It is so important to share about it as that can be so healing. Thank you for sharing with me too about your own struggles. Wishing you much positivity and light.

  9. Thank you for being so open. Depression can be do isolating. Knowing you’re not alone can be helpful. I’m glad you sought help and continue to work on your mental health.

  10. I’m so glad that you have a good support system and that you’re in a much better place now compared to last year! It takes strength to recognize when you might need help, and courage to share your story! Thank you for sharing, and I hope 2019 is a much better year for you! <3

  11. YES!!!! The more we talk about this, the better off everyone will be. You know I see a therapist and I think everyone can benefit from that. And, one of the best things I ever did to manage grief was to let myself feel it – to cry, to rage, to sleep – whatever I needed to deal with it so I could move on. I love each time you open up about this and can be so beneficial to YOU and so many others! Love you mama!!

  12. I’m so glad you are sharing this. Letting your feelings out in any way you can can only help you and make you a stronger bad ass woman. You are definitely not alone. The more we can eliminate the stigma of it all, the better we can be. Love you lady!!

  13. I love you so much for writing this. You are amazing. I know that sometimes your brain will tell you otherwise, but we are all here to tell you the truth and help you see the light again in a dark time.

  14. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important that we don’t hide depression, anxiety etc. because that is where it grows. I often refer to my worst time as the ‘summer of 2016’. It was as if a switch flipped and I was in a dark, dark place. I couldn’t eat, I constantly was crying, I wasn’t interested in running (which was odd for me) and I was convinced I was dying. I had weird physical symptoms like insanely itchy skin, pins and needles, and extreme dizziness. It was awful. I was often in a fetal position trying to explain to my husband what was going on. Thanks to a new doctor who really listened and spent time with me, I was able over time to get to a point where I felt like myself again and was able to enjoy my life again. It never really went back to the way it was, which was probably a good thing in that I think I was a bit naive. It went to a new normal. Since then I have had ups and downs but I am vigilant and try to stay on the side of the light. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I say so. If I am feeling sad or anxious, I tell someone. I talk through things and for the first time in forever, I have come to appreciate who I as opposed to who I think I should be, or who I think people expect me to be. I too have always struggled with the downside of perfectionism but now, as I am months away from age 60, have learned to be more realistic with myself and gentler with myself. I’m sorry for such a long comment, but your blog post definitely struck a chord with me. I hope that you find a place where you can sit contented…where you wake up excited for the new day and go to sleep with a sense of peace – That is all we can really ask for.

    1. I am so sorry that you have been through the darkness of depression too. We must stick together in telling about what is happening because hiding in the darkness alone is one of the worst things you can do. Sending you thoughts of positivity and light in the darkness.

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