Today I had a therapy session where I shared my blog post Regaining Control with my therapist. Sometimes it is easiest to spill it all and to let go in written form rather than to talk about what is going through my head. This blog while often filled with fun and fluff has also become an outlet for me to share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. This year in the aftermath of my divorce I have been forced to confront my emotions head on and to really take a deeper look at myself and what I want in this beautiful life. My therapist commended me on my bravery in sharing my thoughts with the world (my small group of loyal blog readers) and said that it takes true courage to let others in on the hard things and emotions that may be swirling around.
What I have discovered recently is that I often hide my true feelings or thoughts for fear of opening myself up to vulnerability. But since my divorce I have felt more out in the open, more raw, and more vulnerable than I ever had. I am working hard to embrace this vulnerability. I am working hard to confront the feelings that I am having and working on being more vocal about what is going on. As I grew up I learned to control my feelings. I often buried what I was feeling inside leaving me open to hurt and disappointment because I didn’t truly express the things that were going on.
When I fell apart last year, there were probably many people in my life that never saw it coming. I hid the true depths of the darkness that was surrounding me for fear of letting others in, for fear of being judged. I didn’t want to be that vulnerable. I am learning though that it is ok to tell others that, “you know what . . . I’m not ok” or “I’m really hurting inside.” By being more vulnerable and letting others in we gain support and find those people who will truly be there for us. I am also learning that without being vulnerable to others we may miss the wonderful opportunity of connection. If we open ourselves to others we may find the wonderful connections that we were needing. Being vulnerable can open doors, it can create relationships. It can be scary to be so open but the rewards can be so very great. By allowing myself to be more open I am finding new strengths and confidence that I haven’t felt before. By being vulnerable I am feeling more empowered.
It’s a learning process one that I am working hard to embrace.